i spent a sizable portion of last week in charleston, south carolina. i had a lovely time overall, but the hands-down highlight had to be the 25th Annual Lowcountry Oyster Festival. now, i lived in the american south for two years of my life, and i’m familiar with southerners’ penchant for getting ridiculously drunk in bucolic rural settings. this festival certainly fits this mold, but with an additional 65,000 pounds of oysters thrown into the mix. one can imagine the glorious results. in addition to plenty of beer and the musical stylings of local luminaries “Johnny Mac and the Booty Ranch,” there were some truly thrilling competitions. first were the oyster shucking races, where contestants speedily separated oyster shells using special knives and gloves, along with the front of their torsos in most cases.

following the shucking bananza was the true pièce de résistance: the oyster eating contest. this challenge consisted of a dozen entrants drinking as many cups filled with pre-shucked oysters as physically possible within a three-minute window. the ladies round was nothing short of riveting, with the victorious woman respectfully accepting her prize (cash and a pair of tickets to the local chippendale’s), before leaving the stage and heaving a stomach full of mollusk onto a nearby tree. the subsequent men’s round was equally enthralling, and when the cups were finally tallied, there was a tie between two equally-intense competitors. of course, the grand prize (tickets to see kid rock at the north charleston colosseum) couldn’t be shared, so it went to a sudden death two-minute oyster-off between the men. i captured a bit of the action below:

as you may have noticed, my camera memory tapped out before the conclusion, thus leaving most of you in utter suspense as to this year’s reigning champion. i’m sorry to report, it ended with a collective tie for dead last. because when grown men spend five minutes furiously chugging cups of uncooked oyster for sport, everybody loses. i expect to see you all there next year.

yesterday, i…

-had a long conversation with bob, a jehovah’s witness who approached me in the grocery store. throughout our encounter, he suggest that i must be a “bible-reader” and “about 31.” after an hour, i succeeded in exhausting his time. go figure.

-facilitated the purchase of a “jagerator” for my older brother. i have no regrets.

-asked my mother, “if they didn’t want it to be pronounced acid, why did they abbreviate it A-S-I-D?” before noting, “they could have just as simply used A-I-D-S instead and… oh, okay.”

- Chase Walker, business owner, hair club member.

might be true, but where did he get those numbers?

Hello, can I speak with Douglas Black?

yes.

Are you Douglas Black?

yes. and who might this be?

I’m representing the Bank of America. We want to know if you plan to pay your outstanding balance of $[ridiculous sum].

oh. well this is news to me. [half-truth]

You’ve had every opportunity to pay this balance. And I’d like to inform you that federal and state law requires you to pay this debt, or it will be transferred to a private collection agency. Now, do you intend to pay this debt?

well i didn’t even know there was a debt. [non-truth]

Okay, we consider this an official reminder. And your response will be used in further litigation. So I’m going to need a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

neither. i don’t fully understand your claim, and–

Well, let me make it clear for you. If you don’t respond to the question, we’ll consider it a failure to comply.

…

is this what you thought you’d be doing with you life?

So as the record stands, you have no intention of paying freely.

seriously. when you were a child and you thought about your life, did you ever envision yourself sitting in some office building where you called people all day and intimidated them into giving money they don’t have to a fucking bank?

Okay. You’re choosing litigation.

you can do better than this.

…

[Suck on some dial tone]

i drove a car the other day. i just returned from europe, and driving was still a novelty at that point. i felt the usual apprehension on my way to the store, but i became comfortable again on the ride ride back to my parents’ house. despite the a chill in the air, i eased down the driverside window so i can could better feel the jump whenever the tiny car locked into gear. as i approached my parents’ street, i saw a small, brown form. it was only a few inches long. it shuffled into the middle of my lane and i instinctively downshifted to a slow creep. it looked to be some woodland creature, maybe a squirrel. it nervously hesitated before sprinting a bit further and then stopped. as i approached the little guy, i realized he was nothing more than a leaf. a crisp autumn leaf pushed to the middle of the road, shaking in the cold.

i realize it was leaf. i’m sure i’d crushed dozens on my short ride, but i couldn’t bring myself to run over this one. for fear of the stiff wind blowing it under my tire, i stopped, reversed, and took a different route home.

strange, unusual, childish. acutely so for me. what happened my cold rationalism? i thought it was my trademark.

and on the topic of streets, why does that word always hold an inherent association with underprivledged, urban youth? streets are literally everywhere. i would even wager that a vast majority of the world’s richest people also live on streets. just saying.