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“eighty percent of feelin’ good is lookin’ good.” December 31, 2007

Posted by doug in important developments.

– Chase Walker, business owner, hair club member.

might be true, but where did he get those numbers?


welcome home December 22, 2007

Posted by doug in important developments.

Hello, can I speak with Douglas Black?


Are you Douglas Black?

yes. and who might this be?

I’m representing the Bank of America. We want to know if you plan to pay your outstanding balance of $[ridiculous sum].

oh. well this is news to me. [half-truth]

You’ve had every opportunity to pay this balance. And I’d like to inform you that federal and state law requires you to pay this debt, or it will be transferred to a private collection agency. Now, do you intend to pay this debt?

well i didn’t even know there was a debt. [non-truth]

Okay, we consider this an official reminder. And your response will be used in further litigation. So I’m going to need a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

neither. i don’t fully understand your claim, and–

Well, let me make it clear for you. If you don’t respond to the question, we’ll consider it a failure to comply.

is this what you thought you’d be doing with you life?

So as the record stands, you have no intention of paying freely.

seriously. when you were a child and you thought about your life, did you ever envision yourself sitting in some office building where you called people all day and intimidated them into giving money they don’t have to a fucking bank?

Okay. You’re choosing litigation.

you can do better than this.

[Suck on some dial tone]

street scene December 6, 2007

Posted by doug in important developments.

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i drove a car the other day. i just returned from europe, and driving was still a novelty at that point. i felt the usual apprehension on my way to the store, but i became comfortable again on the ride ride back to my parents’ house. despite the a chill in the air, i eased down the driverside window so i can could better feel the jump whenever the tiny car locked into gear. as i approached my parents’ street, i saw a small, brown form. it was only a few inches long. it shuffled into the middle of my lane and i instinctively downshifted to a slow creep. it looked to be some woodland creature, maybe a squirrel. it nervously hesitated before sprinting a bit further and then stopped. as i approached the little guy, i realized he was nothing more than a leaf. a crisp autumn leaf pushed to the middle of the road, shaking in the cold.

i realize it was leaf. i’m sure i’d crushed dozens on my short ride, but i couldn’t bring myself to run over this one. for fear of the stiff wind blowing it under my tire, i stopped, reversed, and took a different route home.

strange, unusual, childish. acutely so for me. what happened my cold rationalism? i thought it was my trademark.

and on the topic of streets, why does that word always hold an inherent association with underprivledged, urban youth? streets are literally everywhere. i would even wager that a vast majority of the world’s richest people also live on streets. just saying.

moderate speed, minimal traction December 3, 2007

Posted by doug in bikes, important developments.
1 comment so far

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i always thought that new jersey looked kind of like the profile of a man donning a cap. a mailman, perhaps. i don’t think i’ve ever mentioned that to anyone else, and i don’t know if it’s a common perception or not, but on thursday i rode my bike across the better part of his shoulder. i stayed the
course of justice
and persevered where others had succumbed to the elements. my 30-mile effort was rewarded with a rock n’ roll show, as well as some cold drinks with warm friends.

i’ve also been thinking about riding to brooklyn, but i don’t know if it’s feasible. clearly i can’t ride through the manhattan-bound tunnels, but maybe i can take staten island and the verrazano bridge. realistically though, i probably won’t. i’ve gone soft after two weeks of digital cable and limitless snack food. these days, my only exercise takes the form of brief jedi training sessions whenever i can’t reach a distant remote control. hopefully california will help relieve the phantom weight on this mailman’s shoulder.