just as i’m beginning to lose faith in synchronicity, i find these photos from late february. like most of my februaries, this one felt like crème brûlée. or even better: an infant’s head. all hard spots and soft spots.

6th st, jersey city, nj

east 88th st, manhattan, ny

ocean avenue, sea bright, nj

i spent a sizable portion of last week in charleston, south carolina. i had a lovely time overall, but the hands-down highlight had to be the 25th Annual Lowcountry Oyster Festival. now, i lived in the american south for two years of my life, and i’m familiar with southerners’ penchant for getting ridiculously drunk in bucolic rural settings. this festival certainly fits this mold, but with an additional 65,000 pounds of oysters thrown into the mix. one can imagine the glorious results. in addition to plenty of beer and the musical stylings of local luminaries “Johnny Mac and the Booty Ranch,” there were some truly thrilling competitions. first were the oyster shucking races, where contestants speedily separated oyster shells using special knives and gloves, along with the front of their torsos in most cases.

following the shucking bananza was the true pièce de résistance: the oyster eating contest. this challenge consisted of a dozen entrants drinking as many cups filled with pre-shucked oysters as physically possible within a three-minute window. the ladies round was nothing short of riveting, with the victorious woman respectfully accepting her prize (cash and a pair of tickets to the local chippendale’s), before leaving the stage and heaving a stomach full of mollusk onto a nearby tree. the subsequent men’s round was equally enthralling, and when the cups were finally tallied, there was a tie between two equally-intense competitors. of course, the grand prize (tickets to see kid rock at the north charleston colosseum) couldn’t be shared, so it went to a sudden death two-minute oyster-off between the men. i captured a bit of the action below:

as you may have noticed, my camera memory tapped out before the conclusion, thus leaving most of you in utter suspense as to this year’s reigning champion. i’m sorry to report, it ended with a collective tie for dead last. because when grown men spend five minutes furiously chugging cups of uncooked oyster for sport, everybody loses. i expect to see you all there next year.

yesterday, i…

-had a long conversation with bob, a jehovah’s witness who approached me in the grocery store. throughout our encounter, he suggest that i must be a “bible-reader” and “about 31.” after an hour, i succeeded in exhausting his time. go figure.

-facilitated the purchase of a “jagerator” for my older brother. i have no regrets.

-asked my mother, “if they didn’t want it to be pronounced acid, why did they abbreviate it A-S-I-D?” before noting, “they could have just as simply used A-I-D-S instead and… oh, okay.”

- Chase Walker, business owner, hair club member.

might be true, but where did he get those numbers?

Hello, can I speak with Douglas Black?

yes.

Are you Douglas Black?

yes. and who might this be?

I’m representing the Bank of America. We want to know if you plan to pay your outstanding balance of $[ridiculous sum].

oh. well this is news to me. [half-truth]

You’ve had every opportunity to pay this balance. And I’d like to inform you that federal and state law requires you to pay this debt, or it will be transferred to a private collection agency. Now, do you intend to pay this debt?

well i didn’t even know there was a debt. [non-truth]

Okay, we consider this an official reminder. And your response will be used in further litigation. So I’m going to need a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

neither. i don’t fully understand your claim, and–

Well, let me make it clear for you. If you don’t respond to the question, we’ll consider it a failure to comply.

…

is this what you thought you’d be doing with you life?

So as the record stands, you have no intention of paying freely.

seriously. when you were a child and you thought about your life, did you ever envision yourself sitting in some office building where you called people all day and intimidated them into giving money they don’t have to a fucking bank?

Okay. You’re choosing litigation.

you can do better than this.

…

[Suck on some dial tone]

i drove a car the other day. i just returned from europe, and driving was still a novelty at that point. i felt the usual apprehension on my way to the store, but i became comfortable again on the ride ride back to my parents’ house. despite the a chill in the air, i eased down the driverside window so i can could better feel the jump whenever the tiny car locked into gear. as i approached my parents’ street, i saw a small, brown form. it was only a few inches long. it shuffled into the middle of my lane and i instinctively downshifted to a slow creep. it looked to be some woodland creature, maybe a squirrel. it nervously hesitated before sprinting a bit further and then stopped. as i approached the little guy, i realized he was nothing more than a leaf. a crisp autumn leaf pushed to the middle of the road, shaking in the cold.

i realize it was leaf. i’m sure i’d crushed dozens on my short ride, but i couldn’t bring myself to run over this one. for fear of the stiff wind blowing it under my tire, i stopped, reversed, and took a different route home.

strange, unusual, childish. acutely so for me. what happened my cold rationalism? i thought it was my trademark.

and on the topic of streets, why does that word always hold an inherent association with underprivledged, urban youth? streets are literally everywhere. i would even wager that a vast majority of the world’s richest people also live on streets. just saying.

i always thought that new jersey looked kind of like the profile of a man donning a cap. a mailman, perhaps. i don’t think i’ve ever mentioned that to anyone else, and i don’t know if it’s a common perception or not, but on thursday i rode my bike across the better part of his shoulder. i stayed the
course of justice and persevered where others had succumbed to the elements. my 30-mile effort was rewarded with a rock n’ roll show, as well as some cold drinks with warm friends.

i’ve also been thinking about riding to brooklyn, but i don’t know if it’s feasible. clearly i can’t ride through the manhattan-bound tunnels, but maybe i can take staten island and the verrazano bridge. realistically though, i probably won’t. i’ve gone soft after two weeks of digital cable and limitless snack food. these days, my only exercise takes the form of brief jedi training sessions whenever i can’t reach a distant remote control. hopefully california will help relieve the phantom weight on this mailman’s shoulder.

unfortunately, cheating the EU immigration system is not one of the 15,000.

i’m back, after spending five days at berlin’s lovely unfallkrankenhaus. i underwent an invasive surgery and blew a lot of money, but gained an umlaut.

i’m not supposed to be walk for the next five weeks, even though i expect a number of visitors and may still be going to munich. there’s only one thing that can stand in way of these plans, and that is a gross swollen foot. (warning: contains unpleasantries)

also, while at the hospital i watched a bunch of dvds, including the parts one and two of the godfather trilogy. it ate up a good portion of idle time, but unfortunately, the collection dov lent me didn’t include the third and final chapter. and without that closure i’m stuck in an uncomfortable limbo, unsure whether or not crime pays. now that i think about it, a little time spent in an organized crime dynasty would really help defray these medical bills.

to briefly recap, last week dov, jakub, nic and i embarked on an aimless journey to parts east spent almost exclusively in the czech republic. by the 3rd day, we’d made a comfortable residency in the town of olomouc. after exploring the industrial skyline of ostrava (jakub’s birthplace), we returned and had some drinks and light conversation at a hostel before leaving to eat. on the way to said meal, tragedy struck.

i could blame the shoddy 18th-century ecclesiastical architecture, or the wholly unsupportive martial arts sneakers i chose to wear, but regardless, a combination of the two along with general horsing-around resulted in my left foot forcefully changing its position from noon to about 9 o’clock, snapping a number of necessary bones and tearing some tendons and ligaments to boot. after a comically extended wait spent prostrate on old moravian cobblestones while viscerally describing the sensation in my mangled appendage, an ambulance arrived. of course the emergency workers only spoke czech, which forced jakub to act as an intermediary. they seemed more interested in my passport, address and future payment methods than my physical state, but after a prolonged discussion, i was on my way to the local hospital.

my visit began with what seemed like hours spent on a stretcher in a small, dimly-lit room. finally, after screaming (literally) for any signs of life, a few low-level employees filed in. without saying a word, they surveyed my foot with heavy hands and then, with a pair of them bracing my upper leg, snapped the foot straight, grinding the bones in such a way that still makes me shudder.

that was the first sign that this might not be the best medical care available. the second was when jakub had to slip an employee 200 czech crowns (about 8 euros) in order to have him to take x-rays. the third was when they explained how i’d need immediate reconstructive surgery (involving screws, metal shanks and other things generally not found in the human body), but since they had a handful of other surgeries already planned, i’d need to wait at least until the following afternoon.

later, they moved me to another room for an evening of anxious repose. along the way i decided that berlin might provide better service than i was currently receiving. but it wasn’t an easy decision. for one thing, there is a good 8-hour drive from olomouc to the german capital. also, we were traveling in a tiny rental car. it was already tight (especially the night in prague when we slept in it), and it would be challenging to add into the equation a broken limb in constant need of elevation. despite the difficulties, i decided to go. i was able to convey to a nurse that i’d like to go to berlin. she acknowledged my request, but said there was nothing she could do until the morning. with my cell phone effectively dead and no one who i could converse with, all i could do was close my eyes in a futile attempt at a few hours rest before the next day’s travails.

at around 8 the following morning, i was awake to greet a team of hospital employees who wanted to know if i was going to stay. i answered in the negative. i proceeded to explain my decision, when he stopped me. he didn’t care if i stayed or went, but wouldn’t offer further treatment if i was leaving. his wanton dickishness reinforced my decision to leave. he said they would need to cast my leg before hitting the road, but apparently i’d fallen to the bottom of the priority list. jakub and dov arrived in due time, but i wasn’t casted back in the car until close to noon. the rest of the day was spent in the backseat with my leg encased in plaster and resting on the adjacent person’s lap.

i arrived to berlin around 10 that evening and received rapid service that starkly contrasted that of their neighbors to the east. the end result: my leg was too swollen to operate, and after they lined up the bones and recasted my leg, i’d need to wait until tuesday for surgery.

so, here i am, biding my time until tuesday, taking regiments of pills and administering an anti-clotting shot into my stomach each day. my deep thanks and appreciation go out to all those who have sent their good wishes, visited me, drove me to or from the hospital, brought me food/beer/chocolate or rode in a cramped car encumbered with my weighty leg. i will think of you while i drift to sleep as an organism composed of flesh-and-bone, only to wake with what i hope will approximate a robotic leg, eventually capable of such superhuman feats as walking and standing in place.

and finally, the last known photograph featuring my fully functional left leg:

we had some good times together, didn’t we?