i spent a sizable portion of last week in charleston, south carolina. i had a lovely time overall, but the hands-down highlight had to be the 25th Annual Lowcountry Oyster Festival. now, i lived in the american south for two years of my life, and i’m familiar with southerners’ penchant for getting ridiculously drunk in bucolic rural settings. this festival certainly fits this mold, but with an additional 65,000 pounds of oysters thrown into the mix. one can imagine the glorious results. in addition to plenty of beer and the musical stylings of local luminaries “Johnny Mac and the Booty Ranch,” there were some truly thrilling competitions. first were the oyster shucking races, where contestants speedily separated oyster shells using special knives and gloves, along with the front of their torsos in most cases.

following the shucking bananza was the true pièce de résistance: the oyster eating contest. this challenge consisted of a dozen entrants drinking as many cups filled with pre-shucked oysters as physically possible within a three-minute window. the ladies round was nothing short of riveting, with the victorious woman respectfully accepting her prize (cash and a pair of tickets to the local chippendale’s), before leaving the stage and heaving a stomach full of mollusk onto a nearby tree. the subsequent men’s round was equally enthralling, and when the cups were finally tallied, there was a tie between two equally-intense competitors. of course, the grand prize (tickets to see kid rock at the north charleston colosseum) couldn’t be shared, so it went to a sudden death two-minute oyster-off between the men. i captured a bit of the action below:

as you may have noticed, my camera memory tapped out before the conclusion, thus leaving most of you in utter suspense as to this year’s reigning champion. i’m sorry to report, it ended with a collective tie for dead last. because when grown men spend five minutes furiously chugging cups of uncooked oyster for sport, everybody loses. i expect to see you all there next year.