Hello, can I speak with Douglas Black?

yes.

Are you Douglas Black?

yes. and who might this be?

I’m representing the Bank of America. We want to know if you plan to pay your outstanding balance of $[ridiculous sum].

oh. well this is news to me. [half-truth]

You’ve had every opportunity to pay this balance. And I’d like to inform you that federal and state law requires you to pay this debt, or it will be transferred to a private collection agency. Now, do you intend to pay this debt?

well i didn’t even know there was a debt. [non-truth]

Okay, we consider this an official reminder. And your response will be used in further litigation. So I’m going to need a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No.’

neither. i don’t fully understand your claim, and–

Well, let me make it clear for you. If you don’t respond to the question, we’ll consider it a failure to comply.

…

is this what you thought you’d be doing with you life?

So as the record stands, you have no intention of paying freely.

seriously. when you were a child and you thought about your life, did you ever envision yourself sitting in some office building where you called people all day and intimidated them into giving money they don’t have to a fucking bank?

Okay. You’re choosing litigation.

you can do better than this.

…

[Suck on some dial tone]